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evil music!!!!!!bigger number=better and cooler personi am evil coder evil guy
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[DEC 31 2024 1:52am] it is new years eve kinda!!!!yay,,,the other day i went to my grandparents house and i got this cool drum thingy it's really cool but i need a stand for it and also pedals so i can have like bass and stuff. im super excited. also i got a keyboard too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!yay!!!!!been learning songs on that too and it's really fun i like it a lot. idk much at all really i only know a few minecraft songs and an undertale song. the first minevraft song is haggstrom,,i used to play it on the kalimba i had a long time ago. it was a lot of fun. the other ome is one of the newer music discs. my friend told me to learn it,,its really difficult so i only know one part and i rwally only barely know it so far,, its difficult using both of my hands but i just try to think of it like its a big rhythm game and that makes it easier on me. i like rhythm games a lot they r very fun,, a lot of my friends say im good at them and they always ask how but i feel like i am not actually that good. maybe I compare myself too much but i watch yt videos and people are soo so sooo much better tban me its crazy!!!!! at the end of the day i have a lot of fun and i think im atleast decent at the end of the day at them in general!!!!!!!!besides keyboard and drum stuff im hoping 2025 will be a cool year!!!!!!!!!im not sure how it will go,,i might go to college,,i might take a gap year. its really streasful. i want to take a gap year so i can work om becoming more of an independent person and it will be easier when i go to college i think. not really sure if i should though bc it almost feels irresponsible especially since other people my age are way more mature and have real friends and hobbies and are more certain with what they wanna do. it really sucks i wish i had more of a solid friend group. i have my onlime friends and they're great but i spend almsot all my time onlime and i really wish i could go out with ppl and have fun that way instead. i used to have a bunch of irl friends but then i had to move,,i move a lot and it makes it hard for me to keep relationships with ppl bc usually its really far away. the place i love at now i had a good bit of friends for a while but then somewhat recently,,on my birthday pretty much all of them ghosted me. it was really sad i had asked them if they wanted to do something for my birthday and they all responded in the same minute i messaged them,,i didn't have the date and time certain yet so i told them id let them know as soon as i knew too. i messaged them all maybe a few more hours after and they just didn't respond. it's not like they just didn't respond that day,, or week,,,or month,,,it's been 4 months and i havent heard a word from them. i even sent them a message asking if they like could just be honest if they can go or not bc im just wasting money making sure they have space to be there if they can't go. i ended up wasting money. i felt really bad bc not only were ppl i had considered my friends not caring enough to respond to me but also my parents had to pay for them. i wish i hadnt held on to hope that they wouldve cared. it was just dumb of me to do that. besides that,,, the last ppl that werent disappearing on me came and it was atleast fun with them. there was this game that was like the game where they swap around the cups really fast but there was a bunch bunch more of them and i was rwally really good at it. but also besides that,, back to my original point,, those last friends are really busy or something ig i think. they asked me if i wanted to go out for halloween and i did but then they never came by me to pick me up like they said they would. i think maybe they were busy but im scared to think that bc the last time i held on to hope my friends cared it ended badly for me. i haven't heard from my irl friends in the past few months and im scared to message them and ask stuff and talk to them bc i feel like if they didn't want to pick me up or wtv they maybe don't like me,, or care,, or want me to be around. that's ok i guess it really hurts but ig i can't do anything about it. i have one friend that i actually originally met online and they happened to live really close to me. we go to concerts when theres anyone that isnt lame coming through our city,,it doesnt happen much but when it does its usually really fun. weve never hung out outside of concerts but maybe ill ask if she wants to do something sometime. besides those problems though not everything is bad. ive been thinking a lot about trying to learn how to make music videos and stuff. not for my own music(i don't have any) but like visualizers for songs that are by other people and stufd. i see those a lot and theyre always really cool and just make the original song better too,,atleast for me. sometimes they end up getting recognized by the artist or band that made the original song too!!!!!and ive even seen them become official music videos in some cases. i think that's really cool that u can make something unbeknownst to a creator and they can like it so much thay they decide you did good enough work for them to fully publically endorse it. ive done a good bit of video editting and stuff before and i think in the past few years ive gotten exponentially better even tho i haven't put in as much time into it like i used to when i was younger. i want to figure out like the graphic design stuff that the ppl i was taljing abt do usually. they utilize a lot of like renders and stuff and i think its really cool. i dont necessarily think its cool enough to go buy something that costs a lot and spend a lot of time working on it so maybe actually i just won't do any of it. or maybe ill find something thats free and i can get some bits of experience kn doimg cool stuff to figure out how it all works!!!!i should probably make this place look a little less boring though. idk how to yet i prolly shoukd do they tutorial thing tbh but i mainly just wanted to make this so i can write here. although it'd be cool if i could make tabs and u can switch between like the home page and then like my socials and then my like writing here. that'd be really cool i think. thats for another day though probably. also it's getting really late and im typing all this on my phone in bed and it's really weird typing all this bc my screen keeps bugging out. ok im sleeping now it's 2 30
[FEB 4 2025 12:42am] waow!!!!second month of twenty twenty five already holy moly... i think january was an ok month all in all probably not that good but its ok i think idk what else to do about it. the beginning was cool,, i started to learn how to draw a little bit. its pretty fun,, im not the best but yeah. mayybe one day when i want to learn how to use this for more than literally just writing my thoughts down i will add a section for some of the stuff ive made!!!!!ive made like 1 picture i think is actually pretty neat,,, the rest of my drawings r kinda just eh...idk im worried abt my stuff being like those artists u see who r like 14 and kinda just suck. not in a mean way!!!its good theyre having fun,,,but u can always tell they just dont have much experience yet and they will get better if they keep it up!!!!!!i wanna try to not be like so apparent i am unexperienced,,but also it does not matter bc no one is seeing my stuff and i am too scared to show it to anyone because if they make fun of it i will be really sad and i feel like the sadness would outweigh the happiness i would feel if they said it was good,, also i like to get in my head a lot and think people didndt really mean what they said. maybe i am silly i am probably dumb maybe its not really all that bad but i find myself to be too forgiving and lenient and stuff on things. i just let things happen because i dont want to bother people at all. it makes me feel so bad when i realize what i thought was happening was not the case to another person.the other day i was talking to a friend and idk we had some stupid joke going and i thought it was kinda silly and stuff but then they stopped and said ok this bit really isnt very funny and i wasnt like laughing very much but it was with someone that i dont like make jokes with often so it just shut me down immediately. its hard to learn to act like myself when that happens all the time to me. besides that another thing that kinda sucks happened too,,,basically there was this person on a game i met and they were pretty cool and they started talking to me for a bit and wwe liked a lot of the same music and i was happy about that bc that never ever happens to me and thats like literally all i want to talk about but i feel stupid and dumb when i tell my friends about some really cool album i found recently especially because none of them like the same music i like. itd be awesome if i was just normal,, besides that tho, this person and i had a lot of similar music interests and stuff and they seemed cool and they told me they had to go for a second and i was like okok i will be here when u r back and then they just left me and literally did not return. its ig kinda funny like i got dunked on but it feels bad being the one getting dunked on. especially when its happened so so many times already,,, i wish that people would treat me in a similar way i treat them. i really like listening to other ppl and their interests and stuff but no one likes hearing about mine. it really sucks,,,,, i guess its not all bad tho bc the other day i did talk to a friend that i dont get to talk to very often and we talked for a really long time it was a lot of fun,,,, we played marvel rivals cuz we were both overwatch players and the current state of that game is not vvery good at all but rivals is fairly well balanced and stuff, anyways we were playing that for a while and it was really fun!!!after a bit tho they wanted to take a break and we were kinda sitting there for a second and i asked if they wanted to see my minecraft world,,,its kinda silly i feel like and makes me feel like im like 8 years old showing my dad something i built but i feel like its also kinda cool for ppl,,,, its a survival realm ive had for a while and i just build a bunchhh of stuff on it with a friend,,,theres a few ppl who have also built on it but not much besides me and the other friend. but yeah theres just a wholleeee lot of stuff and minecraft is sucha big game that everyone knows and everyone can understand it!!!it can sometimes make some cool conversations and usually i feel like they do genuinely think its really cool cuz theres a lot of really big builds witha lot of detail in them. but yeah i showed them my world and it was pretty cool!!!!after that i kinda just started showing them a bunch of random games that i play and i was telling them about it they seemed interested it was really nice. i showed them some stuff on taiko bc im kinda good at that game and they really like a bunch of japanese music and some of it is on taiko,,,i once told them abt it a while ago so i wanted to show them it!!!!!!!!!!!after a lil bit of that i showed them neon white and i played through that game for a while and they seemed to actually be interested in that,,, i think its another pretty good game to show ppl bc im pretty good at some things in that game and its really fun to watch even if ur not 100% sure what is going on all the time,, i showed them a few of my times,, i have a top 5 time in this side quest level rush thingy,, admiteddly its not the most competitive thing in the world but its really difficult to get a sub 3 minute time and i had a 3:00:466 on it so basically i was really really close to getting sub 3 minutes,,, i then showed them like the normal game bc they had never really seen much of it before and pretty quickly they got a good grasp of the game!!!! i had ended up playing through most of the game fairly quickly and then i went back to the side quest thing and i did some of the individual level times bc i have i think top 50 in all of the levels and theres a lot of cheaters so its probably better than 50 but idc to go count through and go "erm well technically its blah blah bc this many hackers are in it". but yeah besides that,, i did some of the individual runs and i ended up beating some of my old times by accident i was just talking and then i would do some cool strat i was explaining and then boom suddenly i beat my time by like half a second out of nowhere. but then after that i started doing the level rush and it was cool i hadnt done it in a good minute so it took me a minute to get in the habbit of everything but i eventually got it,,, still couldnt do some of the run killers but thats alright because eventually,,after a while,,, i ended up actually beating my old best time!!!!!!!i got sub 3 minutes and i was actually so shakey i remember doing the last level and feeling my head spin i genuinely felt so dizzy i couldve actually passed out almost,,, but whats funny is my friend fell asleep to it!!!! they live in italy bc theyre in the military and got stationed there and it was reallyyyy late by the time i beat it,,, they fell asleep like 10 minutes before i did it and they just kept listening to the soundtrack for the game and they thought it was good enough to fall asleep too,, but yeahbasically i had been screen sharing all these games and telling them abt it and they were jsut watching and listening to me. idk how to explain it in words but the fact they did that makes me want to cry i am so thankful they did that bc it means the world to me like actually,,,i probably sounded really stupid and a lot of the time and they also probably had no clue what was going on but they just genuinely wanted to watch and stayed interested which like is exactly what i do but usually ppl just take it for granted,,,it sounds dumb but ive actually dreamed about someone literally just listening to me when i want to talk about my interests,,maybe its bc im dumb and stupid and dont really have much social interaction at all but its so much fun getting to tell ppl abt things i like and then they care and think im not the worst person in the world and also im stupid,,i am so passionate abt so many things and it means the world to me when ppl literally just care at all. but yeah after they fell asleep their phone died like right after i beat my time,,, the phone vibation woke them up and they messaged me for a bit before going to sleep. im really really glad i got to tell them that it meant a lot to me that they cared and were being nice to me. i hope i dont come across as weird to ppl when i tell them i geunuinely appreciate things they do for me,,,usually ppl forget about me so it means a whole whole lot whenever things are done for me or like stuff like that ig. anyways its getting kinda late ive been writing things here for a while and i really wanna cry because i have so many feelings inside of me and i dont wanna write only negative things here bc i really could but that would be not awesome. i dont like dwelling on bad feelings and stuff that much bc i notice it always just makes it worse. my thought process is well it already happened i cant do anything to change it bc its too late so i might as well just give it all up. maybe its not good to give up really maybe i worded that not well but i hope it atleast makes sense to like my future self maybe wondering what was i thinking and feeling back during this time. but yeah idk its the reason i hate politics so much,,, me giving my effort to argue with someone who doesnt agree with me on the internet does literally nothing at all. no one who argues with someone has their mind changed by that person. it literally just doesnt happen ever,, theres no point in me wasting my time and effort on things that will only make me feel worse. theres probably better ways to cope but i dont know how to handle my emotions by myself so ig it sometimes makes me a really big mess and i cant really control myself always. anyways for real this time i think i will go cry and sleep maybe some tears of happiness or like bittersweet happiness that i am not social enough to find someone listening to me talk for a long period of time to be the best thing thats happened to me in forever,,,,ok goodnight to myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!zzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZ